Million Pounds But

A million pounds is meant to solve problems, so why does it get so complicated the second we add one tiny catch? We’re Hannah and Davy, a father-daughter duo, and we’re borrowing a brilliant game idea and making it our own with “Million Pounds But” where every offer comes with a ridiculous rule you cannot escape. 

Some choices are easy and some are instant deal-breakers: forgetting the last ten minutes every time you sneeze, only ever being able to whisper, living with one wet sock forever, or having every queue you join magically double in length. We argue it out with proper British humour, a few detours into house prices, and the very real realisation that “a million” does not feel as untouchable as it used to. Ruby and Archie also make appearances, because of course they do. 

The chat goes beyond the game into what these hypotheticals expose: our tolerance for daily discomfort, our need for privacy, and why modern work can feel like we’re just surviving our calendars. We even end up talking about what we would actually do with the money if we could spend it on something meaningful, including a dream inclusive cafe by the water with good food, local produce, and fair pay. 

Hit play for laughs, questionable logic, and the kind of family banter that turns silly questions into surprisingly honest answers. If you enjoy it, subscribe, share it with a mate, and leave us a review.

Transcript

Welcome To Bonus Dad Bonus Daughter

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Hello and welcome to Bonus Dad.

SPEAKER_05 0:02

Bonus Daughter, a special father-daughter podcast with me, Hannah.

SPEAKER_01 0:05

And me, Davy, where we discuss our differences, similarities, share a few laughs and stories. Within our ever-changing and complex world.

SPEAKER_05 0:13

Each week we will discuss a topic from our own point of view. And influences throughout the decades. Or you could choose one by contacting us via email, Instagram, Facebook, or TikTok. Links in bio. Hello and welcome to a very special podcast episode by Bonus Dad, Bonus Daughter. I have stolen this idea.

SPEAKER_01 0:33

You have. This was your idea.

SPEAKER_05 0:35

I have stolen it.

SPEAKER_01 0:36

Oh, where did you steal it from? I didn't know I didn't know you plagiarized.

SPEAKER_05 0:39

I did plagiarise. I'm going to plagiarise something. So as I've mentioned on previous episodes of this podcast, me and my husband are very, very big Rooster Teeth fans. And they have this thing called Million Dollars But. Now we're going to do Million Pounds But because we're we're from the UK. And also this was this was my husband's idea for this podcast episode.

SPEAKER_00 0:57

Shout out to our Mitchell.

SPEAKER_05 0:58

Our Mitchell, indeed.

SPEAKER_00 1:00

Yeah, well done, Mitchell.

SPEAKER_05 1:01

So the idea of this game is uh father will say million dollars but and then there'll be a caveat. And then oh pounds, sorry, yeah, million pounds but and then there will be a caveat. Um and I think I've got to decide and and and review whether I will take the uh million pounds.

SPEAKER_01 1:18

That's very it. That's exactly it.

SPEAKER_05 1:20

Yep.

SPEAKER_01 1:21

And um my um I have 30.

SPEAKER_05 1:24

30?

SPEAKER_01 1:25

30.

SPEAKER_05 1:26

Whoa.

SPEAKER_01 1:27

But yeah, 30.

SPEAKER_05 1:28

We'll see how we'll see how we do for time.

SPEAKER_01 1:30

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 1:31

See how we do. Um yes. Life update in the past ten minutes. Oh, I let the dogs out for a week. Had a sip and a drink.

SPEAKER_01 1:38

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 1:39

And um sat down on this chair. Yeah. And now I'm ready to go.

SPEAKER_01 1:43

Yes, we do still have Ruby and Archie with us today. They're they're out in the garden at the moment, but I have a feeling they will be back in at some point to come and say hello.

SPEAKER_05 1:51

Bulls under China Shop. Let's see what happens. Yeah. Sorry for all the uh uh audio listeners. We do have two dogs that are you might be able to hear their tails whacking on the table.

SPEAKER_01 1:59

Yes, you can I could definitely hear it through the headphones. Yes, I could I. Yeah. But so, okay, so million pounds a buck. Million. I'm very excited.

SPEAKER_05 2:07

Shout out to Rooster Teeth, thank you for the idea.

SPEAKER_01 2:09

Yes.

SPEAKER_05 2:10

Slash Mitchell.

The Game Idea And Influences

SPEAKER_01 2:14

Oh, actually, actually.

SPEAKER_05 2:16

Hopefully it won't get copyrighted.

SPEAKER_01 2:18

Before we start this episode, right, so let because this is very similar to Would You Rather. Yeah, it is. Yeah, it's very similar to Would You Rather. Now, we did have two Would You Rather video um episodes. We did one about two years ago as well. So we have got two Would You Rather episodes, but also, bizarrely enough, on Amazon Prime, there's a programme with Ramesh Ranganathan called Would You Rather.

SPEAKER_03 2:43

No way.

SPEAKER_01 2:44

Yeah, and what he's done, and I I really mean your mum watched it and we proper laughed out loud. Now I didn't know anybody in there, they were all internet famous celebrities, right? And I can't even remember all their well, there was one, Max Foch. I do know him because I've seen a few of his videos. He's he's very funny.

SPEAKER_04 3:00

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 3:01

Uh, but there's also chunks from the Sidemen. Well, I don't know these.

SPEAKER_05 3:06

Sorry, I have no idea.

SPEAKER_01 3:07

So, but they they got these um sort of like celebrity YouTubers and whatever. And they had influencers?

SPEAKER_05 3:12

Is that what you say?

SPEAKER_01 3:13

They were kind of they weren't influencers, these were kind of comics and that on YouTube. They do little reels and whatever. And they they did would you rather for real? Ah so they had to, it was like, Would you rather big head or big feet? And then they have to do a game with like either a big head or a big feet. It was hilarious.

SPEAKER_04 3:30

I like that.

SPEAKER_01 3:31

It was absolutely hilarious. But what did really make me laugh at one point was on one of the episodes they brought in Jedwood.

SPEAKER_05 3:38

Oh yeah. Yeah. I know who they are.

SPEAKER_01 3:40

Yeah, Jedwood. And what they did is what one the Jedwood had to repeat everything the other person said. Like literally do it.

SPEAKER_05 3:47

Was it both of them there?

SPEAKER_01 3:48

They were both there, yeah. And it was funny because they were all getting really annoyed with them.

SPEAKER_05 3:53

What do they look like now?

SPEAKER_01 3:54

Do they still have they still they don't look any different?

SPEAKER_05 3:56

Do they swift their hair up still?

SPEAKER_01 3:57

They still don't look any different, considering like 20 years ago.

SPEAKER_05 4:00

Because they're my age, right?

SPEAKER_01 4:02

Oh, they're older than that.

SPEAKER_05 4:03

Oh they're older than me. Yeah, yeah, I think so.

SPEAKER_01 4:05

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_05 4:06

Can you is there Google on that? I'm I'm really interested to know.

SPEAKER_01 4:08

No, my phone's over there because we use some phone to record, so I can't I can't Google. So we've got 30 questions, and uh Archie and Ruby are back in the room. Come to say hello. So, my first question, but yeah, definitely watch that on Amazon Prime.

SPEAKER_05 4:22

I will, I will, I'll definitely watch it. It's good.

SPEAKER_01 4:25

Very, very good. And Romesh is hilarious, isn't it? Absolutely hilarious.

Spoilers Gripes And House Rules

SPEAKER_05 4:29

So my first question Well actually, I've got a bone to pick with you. Sorry, before we start this podcast episode. Oh no, what you are the worst for spoilers.

SPEAKER_00 4:37

Why?

SPEAKER_05 4:38

Because I could not enjoy Clarkson's farm because I knew what was coming. In what respect? You told me already about Caleb hitting his head on the glass. So when it came, so when it came up, I didn't laugh. And but she was like, Why are you not laughing at this? And I was like, because mum and dad already ruined it for me.

SPEAKER_01 4:52

Oh, sorry.

SPEAKER_05 4:52

Yeah, really annoyed at you about that. Sorry. I couldn't enjoy it. I've I honestly I I watched that really uh I couldn't enjoy it.

SPEAKER_01 4:59

Oh, okay.

SPEAKER_05 4:59

Yeah, I'm annoyed at you.

SPEAKER_01 5:00

Sorry.

SPEAKER_05 5:01

I've decided.

SPEAKER_01 5:02

All right.

SPEAKER_05 5:02

Not friends.

SPEAKER_01 5:03

When they get the silent treatment.

SPEAKER_05 5:04

Yep. Cold shoulder.

unknown 5:07

Okay.

SPEAKER_05 5:07

Imagine how shit this podcast would be.

SPEAKER_01 5:10

Just me talking, you just did it with your back to me, saying, Yeah, not talking to you anymore.

SPEAKER_05 5:13

Spoilers. Watch Clarkson Farm, it is really good. But yeah, I um I'm annoyed at you. Stop doing that.

SPEAKER_01 5:20

No, no, you've just spoiled it for everybody on the podcast now, though.

SPEAKER_05 5:22

Well, I have, but it's been out a long time now. You did it like as soon as the episode dropped. All right. You're like, oh, check out this bit. No, bugger off. Let me watch it on my own time.

SPEAKER_01 5:32

Sorry.

SPEAKER_05 5:32

Yeah. Bugger.

SPEAKER_01 5:34

We're done.

SPEAKER_05 5:35

Yeah, we're friends again.

SPEAKER_01 5:36

We're friends again. Okay, are you ready?

Sneezes Whispers And Other Curses

SPEAKER_01 5:38

So a million pounds. Yah. Yes. So uh here in in hand, in my left hand is a million pounds. Yep. And in my other hand is every time you sneeze, you forget the last ten minutes.

SPEAKER_05 5:51

How often do I sneeze?

SPEAKER_01 5:53

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_05 5:53

Oh, and I I'm a cereal sneezer.

SPEAKER_01 5:55

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 5:56

So does is that ten minutes every sneeze?

SPEAKER_01 5:57

No, no, no. It's just even if even if uh even-Cause I do like five or six in a row. Ruby has just got her look at this. That is so cute. Look, she's just got her head on my arm and just looking at me. She is the cutest. She is the sweetest thing. So yeah, bless her. So yeah, so um no, even if you had a sneezing fit and you sneezed like ten minutes. Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 6:17

I mean, that would be just that would be inconvenient if you're in a lecturer or something where you had to like learn academic stuff. But I'm no longer in academics.

SPEAKER_01 6:27

Could I could I But you could have the best moment of your life and then you sneeze and forget it.

SPEAKER_05 6:35

Can you stop the sneeze? Can you just be like No.

SPEAKER_01 6:39

God is the worst thing, isn't it? When you try and sneeze and you want to sneeze and then it goes. No, I just hate sneezing. I try to stop it every time. I suppress my sneezes. Oh no, I don't. I'll let it let it rip.

SPEAKER_05 6:50

Mitchell gets really annoyed at me when I suppress my sneezes. Sneeze, goddammit, woman. Look at the light, look at the light. Say watermelon, I don't know what what fruit it is. Oh, you know what? I don't think I would.

SPEAKER_03 7:03

You know what you think? No.

SPEAKER_05 7:04

I sneeze too often. And I feel like I would forget something. Imagine if you were told like a like a really close family member had died, you sneezed, and then they had to tell you again. Awful.

SPEAKER_01 7:16

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 7:16

I'm not nah.

SPEAKER_01 7:17

No. No, I think I think You'd rather you'd rather not have the million pounds.

SPEAKER_05 7:22

Unless unless the million pounds could get me surgery to stop me from sneezing.

SPEAKER_01 7:28

No. Then Do you know you sneeze at something ridiculous like a hundred miles an hour?

SPEAKER_04 7:33

What?

SPEAKER_01 7:34

Seriously? Again, I can't Google. I read that song. No. You haven't got your you haven't got your phone in mind. Yeah. It's really quick. Apparently there's a force of a sneeze. I don't think it's a hundred, but it's four. It's definitely not a hundred. It's quick. It's quick.

SPEAKER_05 7:48

I would say at most 50.

SPEAKER_01 7:51

When you do sneeze, are you a the kind of just through the nose or you're like, ah!

SPEAKER_05 7:56

I s I suppress my sneezes. So I'm a sweet.

SPEAKER_01 7:58

But if you if you if you can't sneeze, if you have to sneeze.

SPEAKER_05 8:01

I'm a looks like I'm having a stroke, I'm not gonna lie. I really hate sneezing.

SPEAKER_01 8:07

I'm a let it all out. Yeah, you are allowed to have some of that.

SPEAKER_05 8:12

Mitchell is as well, actually. Yeah. Calm down.

SPEAKER_03 8:17

Okay.

SPEAKER_05 8:18

I think it's because when I was at school once I sneezed, and you know sometimes when it's a bit snotty and then it's really embarrassing. Yeah. That happened to me, and then now I just suppress all my sneezing. Okay.

unknown 8:30

Okay.

SPEAKER_05 8:31

Okay, so Hannah. Take Mickey of my trauma. Question two. Oh, it's a whispering.

SPEAKER_00 8:37

You can either have a million pounds, but you can only ever whisper. Ever at all. That's it. You can only ever whisper.

SPEAKER_05 8:45

I wouldn't do that for a million pounds.

SPEAKER_01 8:47

Nor me. Sorry. Wouldn't be able to sing. Wouldn't be able to do wouldn't be able to do my dramatic performances.

unknown 8:55

No.

SPEAKER_05 8:56

Oh, actually, no. Yeah. I've got it. I've got this. I would, and then I'd become an ASMR artist and earn loads of money through that because I'd have the high night.

SPEAKER_01 9:07

You've already got the money. You've got a million.

SPEAKER_05 9:08

A million's not going to support me for the rest of my life.

SPEAKER_01 9:11

When you think about it, no, like a million when I was younger was a lot of money.

SPEAKER_05 9:14

Yeah, a million now is nothing. That's what I mean. It's a good amount of money to get me started in my A ASMR career and then pop off.

SPEAKER_01 9:22

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 9:22

So I could be an ASMR artist.

SPEAKER_01 9:25

I saw a house. Oh don't, that's really don't that's awful. That's horrible. That's coming in my ears. Now that what is that?

SPEAKER_05 9:36

ASMR.

SPEAKER_01 9:37

No, don't like that. No, don't

A Million Pounds Is Not Much

SPEAKER_01 9:40

like that. Um the other day I saw on Facebook there was a um a holiday home in Roxam.

SPEAKER_05 9:47

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 9:47

Bearing in mind Roxam is quite an expensive place. Yeah. This is a two-bed shack, pretty much.

SPEAKER_05 9:53

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 9:54

A quarter of a million pounds.

SPEAKER_05 9:57

$2.50?

SPEAKER_01 9:58

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 9:59

For a two-bed shack.

SPEAKER_01 10:01

For a two-bed shack on the on the coat on Roxam Broads.

SPEAKER_05 10:04

Two. What? Were you detached?

SPEAKER_01 10:05

Yeah, because your mum went, oh, we could go and live there. I went, no, we can't. Detached? No. How much is this? It wasn't even like right out on the broads, it was just in Roxanne.

SPEAKER_05 10:15

Because my house is roughly that.

SPEAKER_01 10:17

Yeah, this is.

SPEAKER_05 10:18

And I've got a three-bed terrace.

SPEAKER_01 10:19

Yeah. Yeah, this is. House prices are just ridiculous. It's just ridiculous.

SPEAKER_05 10:24

No, your house is worth more than that.

SPEAKER_01 10:26

Is it? Yeah. That's what we bought it for.

SPEAKER_05 10:28

Yeah, so it's not worth that now.

SPEAKER_01 10:29

What, twelve years ago? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's a million pounds.

SPEAKER_05 10:33

It's not, it's not, but it would definitely be higher than three, I would say.

SPEAKER_01 10:36

But anyway. Okay, next question. Yeah. A million pounds, but every door you opened has to be opened with a dramatic kick.

SPEAKER_05 10:45

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 10:46

I'm here.

SPEAKER_05 10:49

I can't see a problem where that wouldn't be an issue. I mean, I work from home. It's not like I work in an office.

SPEAKER_03 10:56

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 10:57

And how cool would it be on a night out just to be like, I arrived? Like, yeah, no, I'm I'm taking that million pounds.

SPEAKER_03 11:05

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 11:05

I'm I'm all for the dramatics. Yeah. I'd announce myself. Hello.

SPEAKER_03 11:11

Hello is here.

SPEAKER_05 11:13

Million pounds here. Yeah. Easy. Easy.

SPEAKER_01 11:16

Yep. Um, a million pounds. Yo. But your phone battery never goes above two percent.

SPEAKER_05 11:23

That's annoying. So you'd have to have it plugged in all the time.

SPEAKER_01 11:26

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 11:27

But battery packs are a thing.

SPEAKER_01 11:29

They are. You can get those battery packs now where they just plumb on the back. So even though you charge it, it would always be two.

SPEAKER_05 11:34

I've got a million pounds. I can I can spend that on a few battery packs. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 11:37

I would. I'd I'd I'd I'd take the million. Yeah. Oh.

SPEAKER_04 11:41

That's another pound in a swear jar. Sorry.

SPEAKER_01 11:45

Uh I know my answer to this next question.

SPEAKER_04 11:47

Gone.

SPEAKER_01 11:48

A million pounds. Or but oh sorry. But every meal you eat is slightly too spicy. Forever.

SPEAKER_05 11:59

Spicy as in your own tolerance?

SPEAKER_01 12:01

As in your own tolerant tolerance. So it's just slightly too spicy for you.

SPEAKER_05 12:05

I've got bad bowels as it is.

SPEAKER_01 12:07

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 12:07

That's gonna destroy me.

SPEAKER_01 12:09

Yeah, I I wouldn't take the million for that.

SPEAKER_05 12:10

I'm not sure I could.

SPEAKER_01 12:12

Not forever. Not not every single day.

SPEAKER_05 12:13

Not forever. Yeah. Imagine your breakfast being spicy.

SPEAKER_01 12:16

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 12:17

Imagine your cereal being spicy. Cereal's not spicy. Cereal soup. Cereal soup is not supposed to be spicy. Nah, my you'd have you'd have the ring, wouldn't you? You'd have the ring of fire.

SPEAKER_01 12:30

I fell into a burning ring of fire.

SPEAKER_05 12:32

I suppose what Johnny Cash was playing this game and he was like, you know what? I'm gonna make a song about that.

SPEAKER_01 12:38

It burns, burns, burns. That ring of fire. That ring of fire. We got both kinds of music.

SPEAKER_03 12:45

We got country and do do do.

SPEAKER_01 12:51

I love that quote from the blues brothers. We got both kinds of music. We got country and western. Brilliant.

SPEAKER_05 13:01

I'm not taking a million pounds. My bum would. My bum appreciates that.

SPEAKER_01 13:05

So, yeah, no, I wouldn't. I would not do that. And I love spicy food. I absolutely love spicy food, but I couldn't.

SPEAKER_05 13:12

I'm gonna ask him when I get home.

SPEAKER_01 13:13

Yeah. Uh so next question. Yo. Uh, would you take a million pounds? But every time someone says your name, you have to do one squat.

SPEAKER_05 13:22

My full name.

SPEAKER_01 13:23

No, just your first name, Hannah.

SPEAKER_05 13:30

Yeah, not many people call me by my my real name.

SPEAKER_01 13:33

What do they call you?

SPEAKER_05 13:34

Oi.

unknown 13:35

Oi.

SPEAKER_05 13:36

No, I get Shiro quite a lot.

SPEAKER_01 13:38

Um I call you Bertie.

SPEAKER_05 13:39

You call me Bert. Um Yeah. One squat.

SPEAKER_01 13:44

One squat. I can go for that. Yes, one squat. I squat all the time. It's like that guy in the Elden Ring thing who said that uh every time he died in Elden Ring he had to do temperature shops.

SPEAKER_05 13:53

I bet he got buffed.

SPEAKER_01 13:54

He said he's the fittest he's ever been.

SPEAKER_05 13:57

Good for him.

SPEAKER_01 13:58

Oh, that was hilarious.

SPEAKER_05 13:59

Shout out to him. Did you get grab his name?

SPEAKER_01 14:01

Uh I didn't actually ask him a little longer. Oh, we could have shouted him out.

SPEAKER_05 14:04

I I like to shout out Lorenzo. That was nice. That was nice of him.

SPEAKER_01 14:08

Okay, so uh oh, I went too far.

SPEAKER_05 14:11

Million pounds.

SPEAKER_01 14:13

Uh I wouldn't, by the way. Nah, sold that.

unknown 14:16

What?

SPEAKER_05 14:17

It's one squat far now.

SPEAKER_01 14:19

No, too much way too much exercise.

SPEAKER_05 14:21

Too much exercise.

SPEAKER_01 14:22

Too much exercise for me.

SPEAKER_05 14:23

It's amazing you stay as slim as you do.

SPEAKER_01 14:24

I know. Well, I that we've got a bit of pud, but it's fine.

SPEAKER_05 14:28

A bit of pudd uh. A bit of pudd.

SPEAKER_01 14:30

So it's called a dad bod.

SPEAKER_05 14:32

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 14:32

And they're sexy, apparently.

SPEAKER_05 14:34

I no comment.

SPEAKER_01 14:38

Okay, you can get a million pounds, but every photo of you has a pigeon on your head.

SPEAKER_05 14:44

A pigeon?

SPEAKER_01 14:45

Every time someone takes a picture of you, there's a pigeon on your head.

SPEAKER_05 14:47

A real one, or it just shows up in the picture?

SPEAKER_01 14:49

It just shows up in the picture.

SPEAKER_05 14:49

Oh, that's fine. Yeah, a million. Yeah, I'll take a million pounds.

SPEAKER_01 14:51

Yeah, I will take a million pounds on that.

SPEAKER_05 14:52

I mean, as long as I'm not being shat on, then No, no. Yeah, a million pounds, that's easy.

SPEAKER_01 14:56

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_05 14:57

That is easy, yeah. Pigeon, pigeon on the head. I'll just be known as pigeon lady. So Imagine me on a roller coaster and there's just this pigeon on my head. All of my like artistic shots with Amy as well. Just a pigeon. Just a pigeon on my head. Or if it be the same pigeon. Yeah. Different pigeons? Yeah. What colour, like I know, I know pigeons are generally like grey and they've got that greenish tinge to them, but is there any other phone?

SPEAKER_01 15:21

You could say there's like a there's always a pigeon on your head, but it only shows up in photographs.

SPEAKER_05 15:25

Yeah. And I feel like Photoshop's a thing.

SPEAKER_01 15:29

Yeah, you can photoshop.

SPEAKER_05 15:30

I feel your wedding photos. You think alright, we'll we'll we'll we'll take out the pigeon on this case.

SPEAKER_01 15:34

If you know that was the case, you could suitably do your attire to include said pigeon.

SPEAKER_05 15:38

Yes. Couldn't you? Yes. Like a nest. Like a nest, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 15:41

Yeah, nest and have pigeon on there. Like a bridge. Make it part of the Bridgeton. Make it part of the ensemble.

SPEAKER_05 15:46

Yeah. Um yeah. Yeah, I'm I'm taking the pigeon.

SPEAKER_01 15:49

I'm taking

UK Geography And Mainland Europe

SPEAKER_01 15:50

the pigeon on that one. I know the answer to this next one. Okay. Because this was a would you rather question? Oh, was it going on? This made you feel quite nauseous.

SPEAKER_05 15:56

Oh no, million dollars but million pounds. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 16:00

Oh, pounds, sorry. I keep getting the United Kingdom.

SPEAKER_05 16:02

Sorry, million pounds great.

SPEAKER_01 16:03

Great Britain. And England. I know. Scotland, Ireland, and Wales.

SPEAKER_02 16:08

Ireland.

SPEAKER_01 16:08

Ireland. Do you know what your mum said to me the other day? She said to me, she said, uh it was about the UK. And she and I looked at her and I'd say, really? She didn't know that. She said, she said, Oh, do we say England, Scotland and Northern Ireland and not England, Scotland and Ireland? I looked at her and went, Ireland's not in the UK, Sharon. Northern Ireland is, but Ireland isn't.

SPEAKER_04 16:31

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 16:32

And but she didn't know because people I think because people have always said England, Scotland, Ireland, and Wales, but it's not when she heard someone say referred to specifically as Northern Ireland, I think she it kind of shocked her a little bit.

SPEAKER_05 16:43

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because she didn't really I mean that's the most accurate, but if someone says Ireland, well you know what we mean. Yeah, we know that it's the top part. Yeah. Um the top part.

SPEAKER_03 16:51

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 16:52

I um isn't it uh this came up on an episode before, wasn't it? That the that Great Britain is just the Ireland is just that so is Scotland, Wales, and England. England.

SPEAKER_01 17:03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 17:04

And then UK. UK is all of them.

SPEAKER_01 17:07

Including Northern Ireland.

SPEAKER_05 17:08

Northern Ireland, but not mainland Ireland.

SPEAKER_01 17:11

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 17:11

I've got into the habit for some reason of saying because we're going to a lot of um roller coaster parks on mainland Europe. I've been saying mainland Europe because it sounds like when I say, oh, I'm going to Europe or or try some of the Europe European roller coasters. Yeah. For some reason in my head, I don't always class the UK as European, even though I know we are, we're part of Europe, we're part of the continent of Europe. We're just a small island off of it. But in my head sometimes I refer to mainland Europe as just Europe because mainland Europe is a is a long thing to say.

SPEAKER_01 17:45

But it's well, because I always think of the UK as being in Europe.

SPEAKER_05 17:48

Yeah, I don't think it's a lot of people. Because because the roller coaster parks are so different, particularly in Germany, like they get the theme in is is out of this world and Belgium as well. I just I just class it as different because we just can't theme a roller coaster park here. Like we're really rubbish at it. Yeah. Um whereas whereas mainland Europe they're much better and their queuing system is much better. So I find myself saying Europe a lot now because mainland Europe is just better.

SPEAKER_01 18:17

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 18:18

Yeah. Anyway, sorry.

SPEAKER_01 18:20

So anyway, so and yeah, the question was got no relation to Europe

Wet Socks Weird Feet Lost Laundry

SPEAKER_01 18:24

whatsoever. Um but you have a million pounds, yeah. But you always have one wet soul. No, I knew that's what you're gonna say. No, yeah, me neither. No, I did it yesterday. I I opened the dishwasher a little bit too quick to put glassing, glass in. And when I did, it was one of the jets shock rounds, spotted water all over the floor, and then I stood in it and I was just like, no, it's socks coming straight off. Yeah, can't have a wet sock. No, I'd rather you can't have wet foot.

SPEAKER_05 18:49

I don't mind a wet sock in a wet boot because I'm like, oh okay, fair enough. What?

SPEAKER_01 18:56

I've got I I'm I'm a big fan of not wearing socks.

SPEAKER_05 18:59

I know you are.

SPEAKER_01 19:00

Right. So I'm I'm I'm sockless actually at the moment. I haven't got feet on.

SPEAKER_05 19:02

The same actually, so I've got shoes on. Or that's that's paid content.

SPEAKER_01 19:08

And except well I've got weird feet anyway, haven't you? Yeah, really. I have completely I'm flat footed, no arch whatsoever. And your ankles are weird. Yeah, my ankles kind of dip in.

SPEAKER_04 19:17

His feet are like platypuses.

SPEAKER_01 19:19

Yeah, and my ankles kind of turn in because of it.

SPEAKER_04 19:21

So he's got platypus feet.

SPEAKER_01 19:23

Yeah, yeah. They said I I they well, I was born like it, and they said uh I used to have to do exercises to try and bring an arch in. But they did say I I could not be walking while when I'm quite old because of it. Because I do walk on my ankles.

SPEAKER_05 19:37

Oh shit.

SPEAKER_01 19:37

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 19:38

You have a is there like a time frame for that?

SPEAKER_01 19:40

No, they never said it might not ever happen, but they said there is a possibility.

SPEAKER_05 19:44

We need to get you one of them.

SPEAKER_01 19:46

There is a possibility that when I'm really old I won't be able to walk anymore.

SPEAKER_05 19:49

Oh my gosh. Did not know that.

SPEAKER_01 19:51

Because of that.

SPEAKER_05 19:51

That's that's not great.

SPEAKER_01 19:53

That's not great. No, it's not great because they are. But it does mean that I fly through the water very quickly.

SPEAKER_05 19:59

Yeah, or or or just install slip and slides everywhere. Slip and slide. Million dollars, but you have to slip and slide everywhere. Yes.

SPEAKER_01 20:10

So every time I come home from work, quite often I'll just take my shoes off and then my socks come off and I'll just like and little Archie, who we babysit for, who's who's also a dog, so big Archie and little Archie. So he loves socks. So the amount of times I come home from work and little man, as soon as I open the door, little man is there with a pair of socks in my in his with a pair of my socks in his mouth.

SPEAKER_05 20:33

Expectantly waiting for his new socks.

SPEAKER_01 20:36

Yeah, it's so funny. Socks. He found some of your mum's socks that she lost months ago.

SPEAKER_05 20:44

Is he the one that steals the socks? Yeah, is it the one? Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 20:49

Little sock thief.

SPEAKER_05 20:49

I hate it when I lose a sock. How can there's only two of us in our house, right?

SPEAKER_01 20:53

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 20:54

We have the same washing machine, same drying facility. How does the sock get lost? I have.

SPEAKER_01 20:59

Where do they go? Do you know what I do now? I actually put them into a ball and put them in the washing machine.

SPEAKER_05 21:02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 21:03

So that I don't know.

SPEAKER_05 21:03

I've been doing that recently as well.

SPEAKER_01 21:05

Your mum bought this little basket thing that you could like a like a thing where you could put all your socks and pants. Too much admin. But yeah, it can't be doing with that. Too much admin. Yeah, wait for that. No, can't be doing with that.

SPEAKER_05 21:14

You're supposed to do that with bras as well, but again, too much admin.

SPEAKER_01 21:17

Oh, there's a we think that there's a bra. A bra wire stuck in the washing machine somewhere. Yeah, it's clinking away. Yeah. So I have to take that apart at some point. Well, I won't. I'll get a man, I'll get an adult in to do that.

SPEAKER_05 21:30

Do you just say a man? Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 21:38

Oh, you know I don't do things like that.

SPEAKER_05 21:40

I know you are.

SPEAKER_01 21:41

I I still haven't stuck the things up on the show.

SPEAKER_05 21:43

You're not into football. No. You don't do DIY.

SPEAKER_01 21:46

No.

SPEAKER_05 21:46

What is your use?

SPEAKER_01 21:49

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_05 21:50

Actually, you're very good. Tell me what you are good at. Because I feel really bad now. I've said that. You are really good at assessing emotions. And I don't Want to be a sappy ass about it, but you do have an uncanny ability to be able to not only understand someone's feelings, but also um help them with those feelings, and I don't think a lot of dads can do that, so yeah, okay, you're shit at putting up a shelf, yeah. But I'd rather have that than not no, not the shelf shit. I'd rather have the emotional intelligence that you have rather than your ability to put up a shelf.

SPEAKER_01 22:27

Thank you.

SPEAKER_05 22:28

There you go. I just thought to save myself there, because that was a bit mean.

SPEAKER_01 22:30

Thanks, daughter. Carry on. Love you. Uh so what was I saying to you? Oh, yeah. So you talk about

DIY Avoidance And Spider Panic

SPEAKER_01 22:36

other things, right? So yesterday.

SPEAKER_05 22:37

We've gone so off face. I mean, I'm so sorry, everyone. I don't know what's going on.

SPEAKER_01 22:41

This was talking about life updates. This is right, this is hilarious. Something that happened yesterday.

SPEAKER_05 22:48

So why's everything happening yesterday?

SPEAKER_01 22:50

Oh, it was so funny. Your mum was off lifeguarding, so yeah, so and she rang me at about three o'clock in the afternoon, and she said, She said, Oh, um, I'm on my way home. We're on our way back from Cambridge, but can you um, because Panda was coming over and she said, Can you entertain Panda for a little while because she's gonna cut her hair? So I was like, Yeah, no worries. Yeah, so she can sit in the front room with me and while I'm playing the game or whatever, not a problem at all. But then I went, hang on a minute, are you not coming home first? She went, no, I'm gonna go straight to the lockup and then I'm then I'm gonna come home afterwards. I was like, Oh, she went, why? I said, because I need you in the house. She went, what for? I said, there's a spider.

SPEAKER_05 23:39

I thought it was because of or not very comfortable with just me and Panda, which I know you're not because yeah, Panda comes over a lot. But I was like, why would you not want to be in the house? Yes, spider.

SPEAKER_01 23:48

And you mum said, Where is it? I said, it's it's above the door as you go outside. And it hasn't moved. And your mum, your mum then turned around to me and she said, Well if you need to vape, go out through the other door. Yeah, I know that. That's not the issue. The issue is that it's just there. It needs to go.

SPEAKER_05 24:12

You could have called us, we would have got rid of the spider funny.

SPEAKER_01 24:14

The funny thing is, then your mum and Becca did get round at about sort of half four, and Becca just pissed herself off and she went, Is that it? I went, get rid of it. But then Becca knocked it on the floor, the little thing started running, I was gone. There was your mum and Becca.

SPEAKER_00 24:29

I feel like me at the door.

SPEAKER_05 24:31

You are so good in any emergency situation unless a spider is involved, and you just like you are gone, you are gone.

SPEAKER_04 24:41

You did swear easy.

SPEAKER_05 24:43

But you just it's yeah, it I I I don't actually understand where your fear has come from. I don't know. Is your mum not like spiders?

SPEAKER_01 24:50

I don't know, I'm absolutely terrified of them. They're not absolutely terrified.

SPEAKER_05 24:54

They're not that bad.

SPEAKER_01 24:55

Oh, they are. I look at them and my blood goes cold.

SPEAKER_05 24:58

It's basically spiders and needles.

SPEAKER_01 25:00

Yeah, spiders and needles. Irrational fear. Put me in a vat of rats, I don't care. One spider, I'm gone.

SPEAKER_05 25:05

I I'm not a fan of clowns.

SPEAKER_01 25:06

Yeah, oh dear lord.

SPEAKER_05 25:08

Clowns or moths. I have actually got you to get moths before.

SPEAKER_01 25:12

I have, yes, you have.

SPEAKER_05 25:13

I screamed at a moth the other day.

SPEAKER_01 25:15

There was massive one that flew in through the door that I was gonna take a picture and send it to you, and your mum said no, don't do that.

SPEAKER_05 25:20

I don't mind seeing pictures of them. I think they're quite pretty, but I I can't have it fluttering near me. Flutter bastards.

SPEAKER_01 25:26

We're only on question eight.

SPEAKER_05 25:29

25 minutes in. So sorry, anyone listening and watching today.

SPEAKER_01 25:33

We've just gone really off piece.

Mondays Jet Lag And Surviving Calendars

SPEAKER_01 25:35

Sounds but a million pounds, but every Monday feels like jet lag.

SPEAKER_05 25:39

Oh, it feels like jet lag anyway. I was gonna say it's the same.

SPEAKER_01 25:42

But I'll take the million pounds because every Monday is like jet lag for me, as it is.

SPEAKER_05 25:45

I hate my uh and Monday's tomorrow. I actually I am so Garfield, I hate Mondays.

SPEAKER_01 25:50

Oh, I know. Monday's my busiest day at work. I heard someone say the other day actually.

SPEAKER_04 25:56

Tuesday's the new Monday.

SPEAKER_01 25:57

Yeah, someone said I heard someone say about work is that especially so true in my job that we don't go to work anymore, we survive our calendar. And I was like, Do you know what? That is so true.

SPEAKER_05 26:11

That is, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 26:12

Because I just ping from meeting to meeting to meeting. I used to, I used to be able to know what I was doing that entire week. Now I'll go in in the morning and go, right, what fresh hell have I got today? You know, and just look, oh yeah, I've got to be there, and then I've got to be there, and then I've got to be there. And you we are just surviving our calendars. Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 26:27

Sounds like you need a PA.

SPEAKER_01 26:28

I do need a PA.

SPEAKER_05 26:30

Would you hire me?

SPEAKER_01 26:30

I would hire you, you'd be an amazing PA.

SPEAKER_05 26:32

I would. You would be awesome.

SPEAKER_01 26:33

I would. And yeah, because also you would tell people to jog on when I'm too nice. I got told that the other day. Oh, I'm really direct. I got told that the other day by one of our directors.

SPEAKER_05 26:41

Well, that you're too nice.

SPEAKER_01 26:42

The one of our directors, yeah. Said that I'm too nice.

SPEAKER_05 26:44

I do agree. You are too nice. But um, but yeah. Oh, yeah, hire me as your PA. Yeah. How much would you pay me?

SPEAKER_01 26:51

Uh you would get lasagna.

SPEAKER_05 26:53

No. No. I need money.

SPEAKER_01 26:54

You need money? Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

SPEAKER_05 26:56

I need at least.

SPEAKER_01 26:57

A million pounds, oh my god, but you'd have to be my PA. Yes. I take it.

SPEAKER_05 27:01

I take it. I take it.

SPEAKER_01 27:03

Okay, so a million pounds?

SPEAKER_05 27:05

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 27:05

But you can never sit in the front seat of a car.

SPEAKER_05 27:08

Hmm.

SPEAKER_01 27:10

It could be like a passenger princess.

SPEAKER_05 27:11

But in the back.

SPEAKER_01 27:12

In the back.

SPEAKER_05 27:13

Party in the back.

SPEAKER_01 27:14

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 27:15

Um. I do like the idea. I know this this is so first world problems. I like adjusting my seat. I like being high up and I like being able to push it back.

SPEAKER_03 27:29

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 27:30

And our our our back seats in our car are comfortable. But would I want that for the rest of my life?

SPEAKER_03 27:36

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 27:39

I think I think I would do it for the million pounds. Yeah, you would. It's not that bad.

SPEAKER_03 27:44

Okay.

SPEAKER_05 27:44

But I am on the fence. But I think I would. If I was desperate for the money, I would. And I'm desperate for the money, so I am. I'll take the million pounds, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 27:54

Um a million pounds, but every but you have to clap whenever a plane lands.

SPEAKER_05 28:00

I travel a lot.

SPEAKER_01 28:02

Yes. Does it actually say how loud? Do you suppose you could get away with?

SPEAKER_05 28:06

Yeah, little claps.

SPEAKER_01 28:07

Little little little golf clap.

SPEAKER_05 28:09

Unlike the uh audience claps on here.

SPEAKER_01 28:11

Yeah, well the audience claps.

SPEAKER_05 28:13

Uh it's the orange one. Yeah, imagine that.

SPEAKER_01 28:17

Oh I didn't know that. You don't have to listen to the whole thing, you can stop it.

SPEAKER_05 28:24

Oh gear town. Was that the one we we made up a verse to once? Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 28:29

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 28:30

That was pre-fot. Hello, darling. You are so cute. Um yeah, I'd I'd clap for a plane landing. Yeah. I think it's funny. I'd do it ironically. People would think I was doing it ironically. And I get a million pounds.

SPEAKER_01 28:42

Mm-hmm. Bob's your uncle. Bob's your uncle. Fanny's your aunt. Robert's your father's daughter. Bob's your father's brother. What? Father's daughter's father's daughter. Robert's your father's brother. Bob's your uncle.

SPEAKER_05 28:53

No, I'm not your father's daughter.

SPEAKER_01 28:55

No.

SPEAKER_05 28:55

I'm you're my sister.

SPEAKER_01 28:57

Yeah. Anyway, uh, so a million pounds, but every drink is room temperature.

Planes Warm Drinks And British Etiquette

SPEAKER_05 29:03

Oh.

SPEAKER_01 29:04

You have a pop at me because I don't have ice.

SPEAKER_05 29:06

I do. I am a cold. When a drink is supposed to be cold, it's got to be cold. And cold water. No, I'm not taking a million pounds, I'm afraid.

SPEAKER_01 29:14

No, I'm not. Not on that one.

SPEAKER_05 29:15

No. Well, you're not taking the million pounds, but never has ice in your house.

SPEAKER_01 29:19

Yeah, but I have it in the I have it in the fridge. Ice in the fridge? Yeah, no. No, because then it just turned into water. That's what I mean. Um Do you know what you should do? Yeah. Um no, I have like Coke and that in the fridge.

SPEAKER_05 29:30

Oh, you chill your drinks in the fridge.

SPEAKER_01 29:33

Chill my drinks in the fridge. Don't add water. But don't add ice. Oh, you weirdo. Yeah. So weird. Don't you got enough space in the freezer for loads of ice?

SPEAKER_05 29:41

It's like two trays. Two trays. Like silicon trays.

SPEAKER_01 29:45

But then what happens is I'll put the water in the trays in the freezer and always tip it. For God's sake.

SPEAKER_05 29:51

It sounds like a you problem.

SPEAKER_01 29:52

Yeah, it is a me problem. It's just like your phrase, it's too much admin. It is a lot of admin, to be fair.

SPEAKER_05 29:57

But it's not that hard as admin goes. Uh so it's too much admin.

SPEAKER_01 30:03

A million pounds, but every queue you join becomes automatically twice as long.

SPEAKER_05 30:07

Oh, roller coasters, absolutely not.

SPEAKER_01 30:10

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_05 30:12

I I don't go in high tide, but also for that reason. That's why I put that one in there. No, not taking that million pounds. Imagine for everything though, like the toilet.

SPEAKER_01 30:23

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 30:23

I couldn't do that. I'd wet myself. There'd be shit on the floor. I need when I do it. When I need to go, I need to go. Like I'm I'm ill. No way. No way. What if your Yeah, but the queue would never the queue would never go down, surely. Well, I suppose it would.

SPEAKER_01 30:42

Well there would, because it only automatically goes twice as long to start with, and then it will start going down.

SPEAKER_05 30:47

People in the queue with me would hate me as well. Yeah, no, no, no, no million pounds for me.

SPEAKER_01 30:53

A million pounds, but you have to sing your takeaway order every time you order a takeaway. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 30:58

Yeah. Chicken, chicken, fried chicken. Can I get a rice?

SPEAKER_01 31:05

With some none on the side.

SPEAKER_02 31:07

Could I get a satay chicken? Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 31:10

Chili salt chicken for me, please. Can I get a chicken burger? Hold the cheese. You're eating a lot of chicken.

SPEAKER_01 31:20

Can I have some beef and oyster sauce? No, make it Sichuan.

SPEAKER_04 31:24

Could I have a Hawaiian pizza?

SPEAKER_01 31:27

No, you can't cause pineapple don't go on pizza.

SPEAKER_05 31:31

That is incorrect. They do in Hawaii.

SPEAKER_01 31:36

Yeah. Uh a million pounds, but you can only travel by bicycle or helicopter. Nothing else.

SPEAKER_05 31:48

Oh, helicopters are death traps. If Kobe has not taught us anything, um R.I.P. Kobe, by the way.

SPEAKER_01 31:55

Think of your distance.

SPEAKER_05 31:58

And I also can't ride a bike very well.

SPEAKER_01 32:00

Yeah, I know that. I just shat myself then. Jesus Christ, because on the screen, on the look, look by your head, there's a fly. And look at the size of the fly on the screen, because the fly is on the screen. I thought there was something behind us.

SPEAKER_05 32:18

Are you sure it's not my head in the mirror?

SPEAKER_01 32:20

No, no, no, no, it's a fly. The fly just ran across the screen on the laptop. Oh, that fly. Yeah. And I just looked up and saw and thought it was on the wall behind us and thought the fly was the size of my head. And I was like, what is that?

SPEAKER_05 32:32

You thought it was the nun in the conduit. She's come to get her. And then when it moved.

SPEAKER_01 32:38

Then when I moved, I realised it was a fly. I thought it was that spider from yesterday coming back.

SPEAKER_05 32:45

I've bought my friends. Sorry, what was the question?

SPEAKER_01 32:48

I got bicycle or helicopter?

SPEAKER_05 32:50

Um nah, keep you a million. Keep a million? Yeah. Death trap, and I can't ride a bike.

SPEAKER_01 32:56

Okay.

SPEAKER_05 32:57

Very well.

SPEAKER_01 32:58

A million pounds? Yep. But everyone forgets your birthday but you.

SPEAKER_05 33:03

That is fine. Yeah, I'm good for that. Absolutely fine. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 33:06

I'd do that for a tenner.

SPEAKER_05 33:09

I'd do that for a lot less. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 33:11

I would do that for a tenner.

SPEAKER_05 33:12

In fact, I would give you a million pounds. Not a problem with me. Absolutely fine. Yes.

SPEAKER_01 33:21

Oh, this was a good one. So a million pounds, but every time you hear the word sorry, you have to spin in a circle. That's hear the word sorry.

SPEAKER_05 33:33

Sorry seems to be the hardest.

SPEAKER_01 33:36

Imagine that in a supermarket. I'd constantly be spinning.

SPEAKER_05 33:40

I don't shop.

SPEAKER_01 33:41

Yeah.

unknown 33:42

No.

SPEAKER_01 33:44

Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. And I must admit, I apologize all the time to people. Even when somebody is in my way, I say sorry to them.

SPEAKER_05 33:52

Yeah. Sorry, can I just get past?

SPEAKER_01 33:54

Yeah. Move your ass.

SPEAKER_05 33:57

That was me turning.

SPEAKER_01 33:58

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 33:58

Uh yeah. I'll take the million pounds. Yeah, take the million pounds. I'll I'll get dizzy.

SPEAKER_01 34:04

Dizzy. My head is spinning. Wonder stuff featuring Vic Reeves.

SPEAKER_05 34:12

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 34:12

Great song.

SPEAKER_05 34:13

I didn't know that one. I was just vibing with you.

SPEAKER_01 34:15

In the in the 90s.

Films With Missing Minutes And Garlic

SPEAKER_01 34:17

So uh a million pounds, but every film you watch has one random minute missing.

SPEAKER_02 34:25

Oh. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 34:27

Yeah. I take that, to be fair, because you're not actually looking at your phone half the time anyway.

SPEAKER_05 34:31

Second screen viewing. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 34:33

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 34:33

That's why Fantastic Four is so overly explained. Oh, I hated that film.

SPEAKER_01 34:38

I must yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_05 34:39

I hate it when people overexplain things in movies.

SPEAKER_01 34:41

And you get the um Doyce uh the Deus Ex Machina. The God out of the machine as well and the expositions. I kinda that is proper lazy film writing and story writing when you have an exposition character come in and tells the reason behind something lazy. Lazy, lazy, lazy. Um okay, a million pounds, but you always smell faintly of garlic.

SPEAKER_05 35:04

You had the would you rather but smell of onions?

SPEAKER_01 35:07

Yeah, I think I always do anyway, because I eat so much garlic.

SPEAKER_05 35:10

And would keep the vampires off.

SPEAKER_01 35:12

It does.

SPEAKER_05 35:12

A million pounds for me. I'd rather vampires bugger off.

SPEAKER_01 35:18

This one is a definite no for me.

SPEAKER_05 35:20

Go on.

SPEAKER_01 35:21

I wouldn't do this for a billion. I wouldn't do this for all the money in the world.

SPEAKER_05 35:24

Oh my gosh.

SPEAKER_01 35:25

A million pounds, but every pet you meet dislikes you instantly.

SPEAKER_05 35:31

Oh, that is quite sad.

SPEAKER_01 35:33

I couldn't now. Wouldn't do that for anything.

SPEAKER_05 35:38

Wovey already dislikes me. Uh that's not true. That's not true. She's I'm just not her favourite human. And that's fine. It's because she can manipulate Mitchell better. Apparently that's what it is. Yeah. I've read up on it because I was like, Why don't you love me? Yeah, and apparently she's just manipulating him for more food.

SPEAKER_01 35:58

Yeah, she's female. Oi. Wow. Shots fine.

SPEAKER_05 36:07

Whoa. It's 2026, man. Uh yeah, I don't think I'm taking that million pounds.

SPEAKER_01 36:13

I'm not. Definitely not taking that.

SPEAKER_05 36:14

Because Ruby, oh no, no.

SPEAKER_01 36:15

Oh, look, I mean, look at that. Look, just immediately she comes and puts her head on my leg. The other last time she was around here, I sent her a I sent a picture to Becca of Ruby, and she was literally just like this for like six hours, just with her head on my leg.

SPEAKER_05 36:29

She's so cute. She is the sweetest thing in she.

SPEAKER_01 36:33

She is. Um, so yeah, no, I wouldn't

Typos Life Swaps And Final Offers

SPEAKER_01 36:36

take that. Um a million pounds.

SPEAKER_05 36:38

Hello, darling.

SPEAKER_01 36:40

But every text you send includes one random typo.

SPEAKER_05 36:46

Oh, that's all the time anyway. So a million pounds for me.

SPEAKER_01 36:49

Mm-hmm. Have you sent me any funny texts lately?

SPEAKER_05 36:51

I sent you one this morning.

SPEAKER_01 36:53

Did you? Oh, yeah, you said you were you got up a little bit late, but you were.

SPEAKER_05 36:56

I enjoyed I enjoyed writing that message to you. Yeah I I wrote it as though I was in year old England.

SPEAKER_01 37:02

You did.

SPEAKER_05 37:02

I did. I like doing it.

SPEAKER_01 37:05

Uh so a million pounds, but once a year on a random day, you swap lives with the stranger for 24 hours. Yeah, nah. Random stranger could be anyone.

unknown 37:22

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 37:23

You probably ain't gonna recover from some of the stuff you gonna see.

SPEAKER_05 37:26

Yeah, because imagine no, it's not even worth imagining. No, like wall zone.

SPEAKER_01 37:31

Um I was thinking like Exactly random stranger, anyone. Oh look at that bloody flies back. Look, look at the size of the thing, look.

SPEAKER_05 37:36

Oh yeah, you see what I mean?

SPEAKER_01 37:38

You see why it worried me?

SPEAKER_05 37:39

Yeah, I can see why that would worry you. It is very close to your head.

SPEAKER_01 37:42

Exactly.

SPEAKER_05 37:44

Um yeah, nah.

SPEAKER_01 37:47

No, I wouldn't take that. I wouldn't take that. So we've got five left.

SPEAKER_05 37:50

Whoa, okay.

SPEAKER_01 37:51

Um a million pounds, but you must drive everywhere, even overseas.

SPEAKER_05 37:58

Is the car a boat? Or do you mean as in take a ferry?

SPEAKER_01 38:02

So if you even took a ferry, you'd have to drive up and down the ferry.

SPEAKER_05 38:08

Um yeah, it's probably cheaper.

SPEAKER_01 38:11

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 38:12

Petrol's probably cheaper than your flight.

SPEAKER_01 38:14

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 38:15

Imagine. Can you get to the US though via boat? Yeah, you can.

SPEAKER_01 38:18

Just take you a long time. You can get anywhere by boat.

SPEAKER_05 38:21

I suppose you can. Oh, we could um we could put the car in one of them um uh like a treadmill.

SPEAKER_01 38:28

Oh, a treadmill thing like Ferris Beuler. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_05 38:31

Yeah, I reckon we can a million pounds can buy the treadmill.

SPEAKER_01 38:35

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 38:35

So yeah. Okay. We got this.

SPEAKER_01 38:38

A million pounds, but every makes you pass out for ten seconds.

SPEAKER_05 38:42

It does anyway. Um hiccup then. Ten seconds is quite a long time. That is a long time actually.

SPEAKER_01 38:48

People don't realise how long time actually is. I said I said this at work the other day. Someone said to me, is three minutes enough? I went, you wouldn't you'd be surprised at how long three minutes actually is.

SPEAKER_05 39:01

Five minutes is quite long. Always think about that. Yeah. Someone's like, Oh, it's gonna be five minutes.

SPEAKER_01 39:05

I think you think you that's not time is relative anyway, so uh so no, I wouldn't I wouldn't do that. Pass out for you might fall over and crack your head, you'd die first time.

SPEAKER_05 39:19

If you knew Yeah, but you you often know when you're gonna hiccup, so you could just lay down.

SPEAKER_01 39:23

Oh, do you know what? I hate the hiccupping.

SPEAKER_05 39:25

I hate hiccupping too. Mine are really violent as well. They make my whole body go. Some people have really cute hiccups, and I'm like, how?

SPEAKER_01 39:32

How do you get rid of yours?

SPEAKER_05 39:33

I go, I go really quickly.

SPEAKER_01 39:36

I try and belch.

SPEAKER_05 39:38

Belch? That's the opposite.

SPEAKER_01 39:39

Because you're pushing it out. Yeah, because it's a trapped hair in your stomach, isn't it? Is that what hiccupping is? Yeah, so you're trying to get the air, try and like uh and try and get trying to get the ball.

SPEAKER_05 39:48

Oh no, I just take a big breath in.

SPEAKER_01 39:49

Doesn't always work.

SPEAKER_05 39:51

Because they say if you scare someone, it gets rid of the hiccup. So I thought that's the sharp ending. That's why I go doesn't always work.

SPEAKER_01 39:59

Um a million pounds, but you can never use the internet again. Never use it again.

SPEAKER_05 40:08

That means no Netflix or Amazon Prime.

SPEAKER_01 40:11

No Googling.

SPEAKER_05 40:12

No Googling.

SPEAKER_01 40:13

No Googling.

SPEAKER_05 40:14

No social media.

SPEAKER_01 40:14

No social media.

SPEAKER_05 40:15

Which does sound like an ideal world. If the whole world was like that, yes.

SPEAKER_01 40:19

But no, just you. It's just you. Nah. Yeah, no.

SPEAKER_05 40:21

I'd miss out on a few things that I enjoy.

SPEAKER_01 40:24

A million pounds, but every stranger knows exactly how much money you have because you have the amount of money but above your head.

SPEAKER_05 40:32

One pound.

SPEAKER_01 40:33

Yeah, with the pigeon.

SPEAKER_05 40:34

With the pigeon. Uh like a sim uh with like the diamond uh or whatever gem above the head. Simoleons. It's a bit intrusive, isn't it?

SPEAKER_01 40:45

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 40:46

And then you'll be like buying a round at the I wasn't gonna say you do the bulb and go, oh, it's your round, I can't afford it. You can't afford it.

SPEAKER_01 40:52

You can.

SPEAKER_05 40:53

You can um but no, I'm saving that for my next tattoo. Uh Ugh.

SPEAKER_01 41:00

I'd probably not, to be sure.

SPEAKER_05 41:01

I don't think I would.

SPEAKER_01 41:02

Probably wouldn't.

SPEAKER_05 41:03

Um is that a really British thing though?

SPEAKER_01 41:05

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 41:06

I just it's private, isn't it? Yeah, it's private.

SPEAKER_01 41:09

Yeah, yeah. I don't know, yeah. Well, I know you've at least got a million.

SPEAKER_05 41:12

Yeah. Oh yeah, good point. Because you're gonna get the million, actually. That's a really good point. That actually changes things.

SPEAKER_01 41:18

You could argue, well, no I don't include the million and just go, what's in my bank account?

SPEAKER_05 41:24

Yeah, because you could put it back thirty-eight. Yeah, that because you could put that in savings.

SPEAKER_01 41:27

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 41:27

If you could determine which bank account was being shown, or is it your net worth?

SPEAKER_01 41:32

Net worth.

SPEAKER_05 41:33

So that would include your house and other assets.

SPEAKER_01 41:36

Have you seen that video with Lewis Capaldi when he says so he looked on Wikipedia and it said he was worth 10 million and he put a shout out asking where his 10 million was. Yeah it's like who's got my 10 million? I want it back.

SPEAKER_05 41:48

I don't know, that one's tough. Um probably not.

SPEAKER_01 41:51

Probably not.

SPEAKER_05 41:52

Probably not.

SPEAKER_01 41:53

I wouldn't. Uh so last question.

Spending Fast And The Dream Cafe

SPEAKER_01 41:56

Woo! A million pounds, but you age twice as fast until you've spent it.

SPEAKER_05 42:06

How quickly can you spend a million? I just buy a house instantly.

SPEAKER_00 42:10

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 42:11

It's fine. Yeah, that's fine. Yeah. Yeah, I'd just get it quick, done. Yeah cash in hand, sale, boom. Yeah, job done.

SPEAKER_01 42:19

Yeah, big eyes. And then you could sell the house and get the million pounds back, and then you've already done your deal.

SPEAKER_05 42:25

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 42:26

Buy one of those amaze houses.

SPEAKER_05 42:27

Well, there's a loophole here. Amaze houses.

SPEAKER_01 42:30

What are they? Have you seen them?

SPEAKER_05 42:32

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 42:32

We're in a whole we're in a house. Will million pound house. Suddenly you pop up on like adverts.

SPEAKER_05 42:38

And you you pay like a penny to get into the raffle, don't you? Yeah. I don't yeah, I don't know.

SPEAKER_01 42:42

But yeah, I would there's there's a loophole on that.

SPEAKER_05 42:45

There is.

SPEAKER_01 42:45

There is a loophole.

SPEAKER_05 42:46

Or take the loophole.

SPEAKER_01 42:47

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 42:48

You just spend it quickly.

SPEAKER_01 42:49

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 42:50

Who's holding on to a million, really? Realistically. Who is holding on to that million?

SPEAKER_01 42:54

Like we've already said, it's not that much.

SPEAKER_05 42:56

It's not. I mean, uh to be honest, if I if I received a million pounds, yes, I would put it into savings. Yeah. If I had to spend it, it would be easy to spend. Easy.

SPEAKER_03 43:06

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 43:07

Like yeah. I don't think aging twice as fast is that much of an issue if you can get rid of it in six months.

SPEAKER_01 43:14

No.

SPEAKER_05 43:15

I could I'd Oh, that's a year of aging. Oh no.

SPEAKER_01 43:17

Yeah. I'd I'd buy a house with a studio and build yeah, build a studio, build a house.

SPEAKER_05 43:23

The bonus dad, bonus dad too.

SPEAKER_01 43:25

In fact, I'd I'd build a house. Build a house by the water.

SPEAKER_05 43:28

Yeah, I mean that would take longer though.

SPEAKER_01 43:29

Yeah, but then you get the money, you've already spent it. You've you spent it, you give them the money. It's not when it's finished.

SPEAKER_05 43:34

True dare.

SPEAKER_01 43:35

It's when it's when you spent it.

SPEAKER_05 43:36

You paying the contractors before completion.

SPEAKER_01 43:41

Yeah. A bit risky. Yeah, they might run off.

SPEAKER_05 43:44

Bit risky.

SPEAKER_01 43:44

Yeah. Cowboy builders and all that jazz.

SPEAKER_05 43:47

But if you knew them well, yes.

SPEAKER_01 43:49

Yeah. But I would, I'd buy a house by a lake so your mum could do a thang.

SPEAKER_05 43:52

Her thang.

SPEAKER_01 43:53

Her thang. And I would have a music studio, podcast studio, uh recording studio, uh, and I would I would also open up a little calf.

SPEAKER_05 44:04

I have been saying this to Mitchell. If if money was no object, I would love to buy a cafe where it's like a music cafe and all the staff are it's all inclusive of.

SPEAKER_01 44:19

But I would I would do it for a for your mum's paddleboarding. I would do it for people who went on the courses and then like and then I would have uh type food and then do barbecues in the summer. I would do DJ and then DJ at night for parties.

SPEAKER_05 44:30

Local bakers, local produce. Yeah, all of that. Yeah, that's what I would want to do. Basically what Jeremy Clarkson's done with the farm shop.

SPEAKER_03 44:37

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 44:38

I would do that and make sure my staff were inclusive, well paid, don't have to work for tips. Yeah. I would yeah. I would definitely hire people. Maybe this is perhaps the wrong thing to say, but I would hire people that don't normally get hired.

SPEAKER_01 44:56

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_05 44:57

People with walking sticks, for example, like me, or um wheelchair users, or anyone with a learning disability that you know can do the job, they can do the job. Yeah, exactly.

SPEAKER_03 45:07

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_05 45:08

Um, local musicians in there. Oh, we could we could be the new, like like a speakeasy, but like for an up-and-coming artists.

SPEAKER_03 45:16

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 45:16

And then you discover new artists, and it was like, imagine saying, like, oh, I saw so and so, Jim Rice or something. And then and I don't know who Jim Rice is. Um, Jim Rice, and then and then and then later down the line you're like, oh, Jim Rice is so big, I saw him at that cafe. And they have really good food and local produce and they're knife to their staff. Woo was bonus dad, bonus tutor cafe.

SPEAKER_03 45:37

Yeah, there you go.

SPEAKER_05 45:38

Yeah, that's that's my dream. There

Where To Listen And Farewell

SPEAKER_05 45:40

we are. That's the dream. Anyway, if you enjoyed this episode of bonus dad, bonus tutor, we've got plenty of.

SPEAKER_01 45:44

Are you gonna make another little funky noise at the end?

SPEAKER_05 45:46

Yes. We have plenty in the bank for you to consume uh on YouTube and Spotify.

SPEAKER_01 45:54

And Apple Music and all the other streaming services.

SPEAKER_05 46:00

And Davey is actually really good at Elden Ring. Cue the outro. Thanks for joining us on Bonus Dad Bonus Daughter. Don't forget to follow us on all our socials and share the podcast with someone who'd love it. We are available on all streaming platforms. See you next time. Bye-bye.